I Can't Get Fired From My Job!

Go figure-
I can't get fired from my job. And it's not from a lack of effort. I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. Hell, I don't even have a contract.
I stole money from the company. Called the boss profane names. Came in late. Came in drunk. Didn't come in at all.
Nobody said a word.
I slept with the owners wife, his ex-wife, and a few of his friends. I wrecked his car on numerous occasions. Took his parking space when my car was leaking oil.
Nuthin'.
I have a big box full of resignation letters that were all returned unopened. I tried cussing the clients, firing the clients, making lewd and suggestive remarks to the clients, soliciting sex from the clients.
Other than getting laid- still nuthin'.
I tried setting a bad example. I drank on the job. I insisted that the other employees drink on the job and watch "Three Stooges" videos all day. I encouraged insubordination, then I pinned up crude and obscene jokes. I ate the bosses food. Drank his liquor. Fondled his wife. In public.
That's right. No response.
When clients showed up at the door, I told them to beat it!
"The great and powerful OZ doesn't work on Thursdays, Ass Hat!"
I unionized the staff, then organized a strike. I scheduled meetings, then didn't show up. Left the toilet seat up and didn't flush. Left the seat down and, well, you know...
I made a big sandbox in the lobby and put all the clients expensive products in it. I screwed stuff to the walls and let animals roam free around the studio.
That got me a raise.
I used company credit cards to buy VERY personal items, with no intention of ever paying it back.
I tried not showering for several days. Shaving my head. Wandering around barefoot, in my underwear. Leaving lights on. Turning the AC off on hot days. Taking up two parking spaces, both of them handicap.
Nothing.,
At last, I thought I had finally found a way to get fired. I never signed the job application. But, as it turns out, it didn't matter. I lied on the whole thing anyway.
Such is the curse of self-employment.
Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.