 |
| photography by Mark Davis Cake by Dallas Affairs H A P P Y ~ B I R T H D A Y! (video) |
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Beautification of Mr. Martinez
Here is some trivia you can use. In 2006 the Margarita passed the Martini (literally & figuratively) as the most widely ordered drink in the country. Americans drink on average 185,000 Margaritas an HOUR! Personally I always stop at 129,000 Margaritas an hour because I like to pace myself. Don't want to overdo it. Is it no wonder the rest of the world thinks we're a bunch of lushes. And we have a Dallas gentleman to thank for that- Mariano Martinez, the inventor of the Margarita machine. I hope you will join me in calling for the Beatification of Mr. Martinez, the Patron Saint of Patron. And Herradura. And Cuervo. And Price-Cutter Tequila. And for eventual Sainthood to the savior of the drinking industry. Just write to the Pope and say "Hell yeah, old Martinez ought to be a damn saint! He saved my favorite bar."
This week's POTW is my mom's birthday cake. She just reached the big eight oh, and we had a big party for her. It wasn't a surprise party. We felt it was important for her to know in advance since she had to cook for everyone. And clean up. And valet park the cars. The theme was "80 at 80" because we invited 80 of our friends. Everyone had fun even though the service was kind of slow. We may hire a busboy to help her next year for the "81 at 81" party we're planning.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Dallas' New Favorite Color....Yellow!
It's now official- Dallas' new favorite color is Yellow, as in the Packers and the Steelers. Two Blue collar cities that are going to paint the town Red by dropping a lot of Green and putting a bunch of folks back in the Black. Even the Gray areas will see the Gold, like the guy who is renting out Orange traffic cones so fast his Pink face has turned Purple. So we're all wearing a big smile, showing those pearly Whites to our guests from the cold north, offering them the warmest of greetings (and temperatures) at ridiculously inflated prices.
There is one thing I'm perplexed about. According to the media, we should expect nearly 10,000 "Working Girls" to come in for the Super Bowl. Seriously, just how did THEY get tickets to the big game?
This week's POTW- the embossed menu cover from Blue Plate restaurant.
Do not operate heavy machinery or drive while viewing the POTW. It is a violation of Federal Law to use the POTW in a manner not prescribed.
Mark Davis
davisstudios.com
http://markdavisnation.blogspot.com
214•651•7500
There is one thing I'm perplexed about. According to the media, we should expect nearly 10,000 "Working Girls" to come in for the Super Bowl. Seriously, just how did THEY get tickets to the big game?
This week's POTW- the embossed menu cover from Blue Plate restaurant.
Mark Davis
davisstudios.com
http://markdavisnation.blogspot.com
214•651•7500
Saturday, November 6, 2010
The New "Me Party"
Election day is tomorrow, and after glancing at the political ads and listening to the vitriolic rhetoric coming from the campaigns, I began to realize that every one of the candidates is as crooked as a dog's hind leg. Many believe that our leaders are not performing admirably, and more than a few believe it cannot be changed. Actually, it would be easy to change Congress, that perverse little segment of civilized society that has served itself far better than it has served the people of this nation. Their long standing tradition of excessive personal gain thinly disguised as public service is due for a change...
So today I'm announcing the formation of the "Me Party". Our motto; "Here's Your Chance to Stuff Your Pants". Everyone in office now is out at the next election. All of them. No exceptions. And not just on the national level, but at the state, county, city, school district and court system level as well.
Now, a Legislature full of rookies is bound to cause a lot of grief for the thousands of lobbyist's who were counting on political favors after years of slush fund cultivation. Many will predict that with all new people in office, inexperience with the political process will create widespread havoc. I believe that. But the naivete of the newly elected ones would surely bring back common sense to governing, and rather than rid the system of graft and corruption, it would facilitate a more equitable distribution of the graft and corruption.
Just look at all the other benefits this could offer. First, all those people on the dole in public service would have to get back into the mainstream work force with the rest of us, and actually live by the rules they made. Second, if we elect all new people in every election, then pretty soon all of us would be enrolled in the Congressional Retirement Plan. (also known as "The Works") It's a win-win for everybody.
I say we break out those voter petitions, and start signing up your neighbor to be the next whatever. Let's slap some names on the ballot that have never been there before. It would also be quite helpful if they all have a rather sordid past with lots of personal difficulty, frequent public displays of embarrassment, or several failed stints at rehab. There won't be much mud slinging if everybody is dirty. Some drug use would be acceptable, but not required, while being drunk most of the time would get a big thumbs up!
So go ahead and pencil me in for dog catcher. I promise to just drive around all day, feed 'em doggy biscuits and throw a few frisbees, then tell the doggies, "See ya tomorrow". And I also promise to drink more (on the job) if elected. Now there's a promise you can believe in.
I'm Mark Davis, and I approved this ad after drinking.
So today I'm announcing the formation of the "Me Party". Our motto; "Here's Your Chance to Stuff Your Pants". Everyone in office now is out at the next election. All of them. No exceptions. And not just on the national level, but at the state, county, city, school district and court system level as well.
Now, a Legislature full of rookies is bound to cause a lot of grief for the thousands of lobbyist's who were counting on political favors after years of slush fund cultivation. Many will predict that with all new people in office, inexperience with the political process will create widespread havoc. I believe that. But the naivete of the newly elected ones would surely bring back common sense to governing, and rather than rid the system of graft and corruption, it would facilitate a more equitable distribution of the graft and corruption.
Just look at all the other benefits this could offer. First, all those people on the dole in public service would have to get back into the mainstream work force with the rest of us, and actually live by the rules they made. Second, if we elect all new people in every election, then pretty soon all of us would be enrolled in the Congressional Retirement Plan. (also known as "The Works") It's a win-win for everybody.
I say we break out those voter petitions, and start signing up your neighbor to be the next whatever. Let's slap some names on the ballot that have never been there before. It would also be quite helpful if they all have a rather sordid past with lots of personal difficulty, frequent public displays of embarrassment, or several failed stints at rehab. There won't be much mud slinging if everybody is dirty. Some drug use would be acceptable, but not required, while being drunk most of the time would get a big thumbs up!
So go ahead and pencil me in for dog catcher. I promise to just drive around all day, feed 'em doggy biscuits and throw a few frisbees, then tell the doggies, "See ya tomorrow". And I also promise to drink more (on the job) if elected. Now there's a promise you can believe in.
I'm Mark Davis, and I approved this ad after drinking.
This week's POTW- some kind of really cool thing I have no idea what it is but it was very heavy and weathered.
 |
| Photo credit: Mark Davis The POTW carries a money back guarantee and is never sold over the counter or off the rack. |
Monday, June 14, 2010
TRIPPIN' ON THE GULF COAST
I just returned from the Gulf coast, where I had a marvelous time. I won first place in the Sand Sculpture contest at the beach. I constructed a very large refinery, complete with gas burn off towers and shoddy maintenance records. The judges thought the oil and tar balls added a nice touch of realism to the whole thing. I would have taken a photo, but some government people came in a bulldozer and scooped it all up into a dump truck. Then they said it never happened, and if I didn't shut up, my family and I would be institutionalized for the rest of our lives. I reminded them that we are all a bunch of certified crazies, and there isn't an asylum built that we can't take over. If they put all my relatives in the same building there would be such a conflagration as to stagger the imagination. Before you can ask, "Who ordered all these Margarita machines?", we'll be running the joint. We're talking wholesale inmate releases, weekend passes for the rest, staff reductions, and deficit spending becoming the new Standard Operating Procedure.
We'll also have the best looking lawn of any nuthouse around, because we know how to talk to the plants. That's why they're on our side. Keep that in mind during any attempt to retake the facility.
Which brings me to this week's POTW. Salt on the rim. About a weeks pay for a Roman Centurion. Life is good. Enjoy it.
We'll also have the best looking lawn of any nuthouse around, because we know how to talk to the plants. That's why they're on our side. Keep that in mind during any attempt to retake the facility.Which brings me to this week's POTW. Salt on the rim. About a weeks pay for a Roman Centurion. Life is good. Enjoy it.
Monday, June 7, 2010
THE GOSPEL OF ST. SAM
A Reading from the Book of Economics
1. Thus it came to pass, that the Lord gazed upon the Profit Sam as he wandered across the vast wasteland of the Retail Desert, parched of bargains, for it was devoid of markdowns and sales.
2. And the Lord spake unto Sam, saying, "Build thee an Ark of a store, and bring forth the products of the land in all their glory, and give them exaltation. For I shall smite The Man of Facturer for his Anti-Trust sins, and he shall lament his predatory ways."
3 "Verily, I say unto thee, I shall bring forth a great flood of cheap stuff, such as Man has never witnessed, and he will be hip-deep in those who have not their documents, toiling for 2 pieces of silver a day."
4. "Behold, a great wailing shall be heard excuviating from the boardrooms of the damned. And they, too, shall be forever cast into the depths of defective merchandise and venomous service, as from the serpent, swadled only in the unravelling crap that matches not."
5. So the Profit Sam did as the Lord commanded, lest he appear as the Eunuchs of the Temple, barren within the loins.
6. Thus it came to pass, that the wicked decried their fate, adorned in lead-tainted robes whilst standing before the temple of the unemployed. For they sought covenant with the bargain, and it was defiling.
7. Tho, as the pagans harvested dung in the fields, their masters lamented the extirpation of the 401K's within the tabernacle, and became fearful. So began the building of the great walled tribes, dividing the chaste from the teeming throng of untouchables.
8. And the deep discounts did appear before Sam, and he brought forth the price rollback, and the people were joyful. For even the Pharaohs did extoll the Door-Buster markdown, knowing the pagans sought to possess a bargain, even if they did need it not.
9. For it was the Crusade to lay to waste the Palace of Overhead that did smite down the craftsman, and they were banished to the Valley of the Homeless, then brought before those in judgement. And they asked of them, saying, "Why doest thou hide thy chariot of Pontiac, Heathen? Does thou try to deceive the repo priest of the temple?" And they mocked the idealist's, and their scriptures, and kicked sand upon the sandals of the umpires, and were scornful.
10. And lo, a darkness fell across the whole of the mall, and the money changers became fearful, and sought loan extensions from the temple leaders, but were rebuked by them, and chastised for their own tribute.
1. Thus it came to pass, that the Lord gazed upon the Profit Sam as he wandered across the vast wasteland of the Retail Desert, parched of bargains, for it was devoid of markdowns and sales.
2. And the Lord spake unto Sam, saying, "Build thee an Ark of a store, and bring forth the products of the land in all their glory, and give them exaltation. For I shall smite The Man of Facturer for his Anti-Trust sins, and he shall lament his predatory ways."
3 "Verily, I say unto thee, I shall bring forth a great flood of cheap stuff, such as Man has never witnessed, and he will be hip-deep in those who have not their documents, toiling for 2 pieces of silver a day."
4. "Behold, a great wailing shall be heard excuviating from the boardrooms of the damned. And they, too, shall be forever cast into the depths of defective merchandise and venomous service, as from the serpent, swadled only in the unravelling crap that matches not."
5. So the Profit Sam did as the Lord commanded, lest he appear as the Eunuchs of the Temple, barren within the loins.
6. Thus it came to pass, that the wicked decried their fate, adorned in lead-tainted robes whilst standing before the temple of the unemployed. For they sought covenant with the bargain, and it was defiling.
7. Tho, as the pagans harvested dung in the fields, their masters lamented the extirpation of the 401K's within the tabernacle, and became fearful. So began the building of the great walled tribes, dividing the chaste from the teeming throng of untouchables.
8. And the deep discounts did appear before Sam, and he brought forth the price rollback, and the people were joyful. For even the Pharaohs did extoll the Door-Buster markdown, knowing the pagans sought to possess a bargain, even if they did need it not.
9. For it was the Crusade to lay to waste the Palace of Overhead that did smite down the craftsman, and they were banished to the Valley of the Homeless, then brought before those in judgement. And they asked of them, saying, "Why doest thou hide thy chariot of Pontiac, Heathen? Does thou try to deceive the repo priest of the temple?" And they mocked the idealist's, and their scriptures, and kicked sand upon the sandals of the umpires, and were scornful.
10. And lo, a darkness fell across the whole of the mall, and the money changers became fearful, and sought loan extensions from the temple leaders, but were rebuked by them, and chastised for their own tribute.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Picture of the Week 5-24-10
Greetings,
Many of you have been wondering what happened to the POTW last week. Judging from the emails I got, some people were concerned, asking, "Was I taken off the list?", or, "Did something happen?". The majority just asked, "Where's my *@#% POTW, you lousy #&@*%!?" That, and, "I know where you live, #$@%&!".
Suffice it to say, I can't tell you where it is or what transpired. I have been sworn to absolute secrecy. (as if aliens could discerne a 'Promise' from a hole in the ground) But, since they were nice enough to let me fly their little saucer thingy, I won't reveal anything about that. Except to say, I'll pay for the mailboxes I knocked down, and sorry about the crop circles that turned out to be rather rude. (It was my first time, for crying out loud)
I want to assure you the aliens won't be back anytime soon. I sent them on their way well stocked with liquor and Ding Dongs left over from a previous scientific study. That, and a bad taste in their mouth, so to speak, for our benevolent species. They think we all taste like that old Fruitcake I had been using as a TV stand since 1983. (until the TV finally crapped out)
This week I am pleased to announce the opening of a blog this site for the POTW. Here you can publicly renounce anything I say, and post general threats and lies about whatever you want. Since this is a work in progress, it may take some time for it to become totally "Stalker Friendly", so be patient.Oh, yes, the link. If this link doesn't work, just copy and paste it into your web bowser. Bow Wow.
This week's POTW is a grill full of Steaks. If you can almost hear them sizzling, then you're probably drooling on your keyboard. Use a napkin when viewing.
Many of you have been wondering what happened to the POTW last week. Judging from the emails I got, some people were concerned, asking, "Was I taken off the list?", or, "Did something happen?". The majority just asked, "Where's my *@#% POTW, you lousy #&@*%!?" That, and, "I know where you live, #$@%&!".
Suffice it to say, I can't tell you where it is or what transpired. I have been sworn to absolute secrecy. (as if aliens could discerne a 'Promise' from a hole in the ground) But, since they were nice enough to let me fly their little saucer thingy, I won't reveal anything about that. Except to say, I'll pay for the mailboxes I knocked down, and sorry about the crop circles that turned out to be rather rude. (It was my first time, for crying out loud)
I want to assure you the aliens won't be back anytime soon. I sent them on their way well stocked with liquor and Ding Dongs left over from a previous scientific study. That, and a bad taste in their mouth, so to speak, for our benevolent species. They think we all taste like that old Fruitcake I had been using as a TV stand since 1983. (until the TV finally crapped out)
This week I am pleased to announce the opening of a blog this site for the POTW. Here you can publicly renounce anything I say, and post general threats and lies about whatever you want. Since this is a work in progress, it may take some time for it to become totally "Stalker Friendly", so be patient.Oh, yes, the link. If this link doesn't work, just copy and paste it into your web bowser. Bow Wow.
I Can't Get Fired From My Job!
Go figure-
I can't get fired from my job. And it's not from a lack of effort. I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. Hell, I don't even have a contract.
I stole money from the company. Called the boss profane names. Came in late. Came in drunk. Didn't come in at all.
Nobody said a word.
I slept with the owners wife, his ex-wife, and a few of his friends. I wrecked his car on numerous occasions. Took his parking space when my car was leaking oil.
Nuthin'.
I have a big box full of resignation letters that were all returned unopened. I tried cussing the clients, firing the clients, making lewd and suggestive remarks to the clients, soliciting sex from the clients.
Other than getting laid- still nuthin'.
I tried setting a bad example. I drank on the job. I insisted that the other employees drink on the job and watch "Three Stooges" videos all day. I encouraged insubordination, then I pinned up crude and obscene jokes. I ate the bosses food. Drank his liquor. Fondled his wife. In public.
That's right. No response.
When clients showed up at the door, I told them to beat it!
"The great and powerful OZ doesn't work on Thursdays, Ass Hat!"
I unionized the staff, then organized a strike. I scheduled meetings, then didn't show up. Left the toilet seat up and didn't flush. Left the seat down and, well, you know...
I made a big sandbox in the lobby and put all the clients expensive products in it. I screwed stuff to the walls and let animals roam free around the studio.
That got me a raise.
I used company credit cards to buy VERY personal items, with no intention of ever paying it back.
I tried not showering for several days. Shaving my head. Wandering around barefoot, in my underwear. Leaving lights on. Turning the AC off on hot days. Taking up two parking spaces, both of them handicap.
Nothing.,
At last, I thought I had finally found a way to get fired. I never signed the job application. But, as it turns out, it didn't matter. I lied on the whole thing anyway.
Such is the curse of self-employment.
Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
I can't get fired from my job. And it's not from a lack of effort. I tried everything I could think of, and nothing worked. Hell, I don't even have a contract.
I stole money from the company. Called the boss profane names. Came in late. Came in drunk. Didn't come in at all.
Nobody said a word.
I slept with the owners wife, his ex-wife, and a few of his friends. I wrecked his car on numerous occasions. Took his parking space when my car was leaking oil.
Nuthin'.
I have a big box full of resignation letters that were all returned unopened. I tried cussing the clients, firing the clients, making lewd and suggestive remarks to the clients, soliciting sex from the clients.
Other than getting laid- still nuthin'.
I tried setting a bad example. I drank on the job. I insisted that the other employees drink on the job and watch "Three Stooges" videos all day. I encouraged insubordination, then I pinned up crude and obscene jokes. I ate the bosses food. Drank his liquor. Fondled his wife. In public.
That's right. No response.
When clients showed up at the door, I told them to beat it!
"The great and powerful OZ doesn't work on Thursdays, Ass Hat!"
I unionized the staff, then organized a strike. I scheduled meetings, then didn't show up. Left the toilet seat up and didn't flush. Left the seat down and, well, you know...
I made a big sandbox in the lobby and put all the clients expensive products in it. I screwed stuff to the walls and let animals roam free around the studio.
That got me a raise.
I used company credit cards to buy VERY personal items, with no intention of ever paying it back.
I tried not showering for several days. Shaving my head. Wandering around barefoot, in my underwear. Leaving lights on. Turning the AC off on hot days. Taking up two parking spaces, both of them handicap.
Nothing.,
At last, I thought I had finally found a way to get fired. I never signed the job application. But, as it turns out, it didn't matter. I lied on the whole thing anyway.
Such is the curse of self-employment.
Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)